WALKTHROUGH of /players/khrell/dkaven
by Aingeal   11/14/2004

under1.c
1. You need item descriptions for: tunnel
2. You may wish to add item descriptions for: wall(s), floor, ceiling

under2.c through under26.c
1. You should vary these rooms, even if the point is that you have to
walk a LONG way to get to where you're going.  It becomes really boring
for the players to go through the SAME room over and over and over again.
Additionally, some players may believe they're stuck in a loop of some
kind, and report this as a bug since there are SO many.
2.  There is a period after 'is' that appears to be a typo.
3.  The description is a run-on sentence, and 'by some solid
unknown means' is a mismatched sentence fragment (i.e. it 
sounds as if the passage made itself through solid rock by
some unknown means).  A better way to write this would be:
'This cramped tunnel leaves nothing to the imagination, and
is nothing more than a poorly made passage through solid rock.
The tunnel, made by some unknown means, stretches north and
south.'
4.  You need item descriptions for: tunnel, passage
5.  You may wish to add item descriptions for: wall(s), floor, ceiling

under27.c
1. Your description is a run-on sentence.  For the portion of the
description up to "unknown means", see my suggestions for rooms
under2.c through under26.c.  You need to start a new sentence at 
this point:  "to the south....."
2.  You should not use "you can smell" or "your nose", as a general rule.
A better way to convey this would be:  "From the south wafts a faint, 
unpleasant aroma."
3.  You need item descriptions for: tunnel, passage
4.  You may wish to add item descriptions for: wall(s), floor, ceiling
5.  In the description for "smell", you need a comma after 'faint'.


under28.c
1. You need a comma after '...a bit here".  
2. 'strait' should be 'straight'.
3. "near overwhelming" should be "nearly overwhelming".
4. The third sentence is not grammatically correct, and does not really
make any sense.  Maybe this would work better:
"The long miles of cramped tunnel finally begin to widen to the north,
where the tunnel ends abruptly at a dark opening."


skaventunnel1.c
1. 'then' should be 'than'.
2. In the second sentence of the description, there should be a comma
after 'smell'.  Also, do you mean that the air is thick with bodily
excretions, or that the air is thick with the SMELL OF bodily 
excretions?  As it reads now, the air is thick with bodily excretions.
3. In the third sentence, you need a comma after 'sticky'.
4. Your item description for 'passage' makes no sense and is not
grammatically correct.  Perhaps this would be better:
"The passage obviously began as a natural formation, but has clearly
been worked by some unnamed creature to make it passable."
5. You need item descriptions for:  tunnel (the same as passage, 
presumably)
6.  You may wish to add an item description for: wall(s)
7.  There is a grammatical mismatch in your 'smell' description.  
'thick musky smell' does not match the other items in the sentence
group (i.e. urine, fecal matter), and the way the sentence is
written means that the reader 'smells a smell'.  A better way to
write this description would be:
'You smell urine, fecal matter, and something with a an unidentifiable
thick, musky odor."


skaventunnel2.c
1. You need a comma after 'now', and is not grammatically correct. 
A better option would be:  "The tunnel continues to spiral upward,
its slope now almost completely vertical."
2. I would delete 'The' at the beginning of the second sentence, and 
you need a comma after 'numbers'.
3. I don't understand what you mean by 'a use of some importance' - 
it does not match the rest of that sentence.  You may wish to use:
"...greater numbers, indicating that this part of the passage was
used for some important purpose at one time."
4. You need item descriptions for: tunnel, handhold(s), foothold(s)
5. You need to set a description for 'smell' in this room, as you
suggest a growing stench between the room leading into this one
and a greater one in the room following this one.


skaventunnel3.c
1. You need a comma after 'angle', and 'near' should be 'nearly'.
2. In the second sentence, you need commas after 'small' and 
'darkness'.  Also, 'an ease' does not make sense.  Perhaps 'an ease' 
should be 'an easy way'.  
3. You need item descriptions for: tunnel, niche (you have one for niches)
4. Your description for 'niches' needs some work.  Perhaps this would
work better:  'The roughly-cut niches provide handholds and footholds.'


skaventunnel4.c
1. The third sentence of the description is a sentence fragment - you're
missing a predicate.
2. The description for 'scratches' makes no sense.  Perhaps this would
work better:
"The scratches were apparently carved by the claws of some unknown 
creatures."
3. You need item descriptions for: tunnel
4. You need to remove the comma after 'strange' in your description
for 'pattern'.  Also, 'by looking at them' is not grammatically
correct.  This should read '...you feel strange when you look at them."


skaventunnel5.c
1. In the second sentence, 'number of handholds is lesser and lesser" 
is not grammatically correct.  A better option would be:
"The stone here is smooth, and there are fewer handholds."
2. In the third sentence, 'alot' should be 'a lot', and there should be
a comma after 'here'.  Additionally, 'half way' should be 'half-way'.
3. You need a comma after 'waste' in your smell description.
4. You should add something to the description to indicate what you are
'entering'.  Your exits are 'descend' and 'enter', but there's nothing
in the description to 'enter'.


skavenwarpmine1.c
1. In the second sentence, you need commas after 'Here' and 'frantic'.


skavenwarpmine2.c
1. The first sentence of the description is a sentence fragment, which
is missing the predicate.
2.  The second and third sentences should begin with "This" rather than
"Here".
3. The third sentence is grammatically incorrect in a number of ways.  
A suggestion for revision is:
"This appears to be a recent dig, where the workings are fresh and
undisturbed by time and the elements."
4. You need item descriptions for: mine, dig
5. The south exit gives you an error:  "Error in loading object
program: obj/living.c, object: obj/player#365 line 197"
(see skavenwarpmine3.c)


skavenwarpmine3.c 
1.  This room does not load.  The problem is in the first line of your 
description.  You have an extra set of quotation marks in line 10 
before 'This'.
2. In the first sentence, you need a comma after 'raw'.
3. In the third sentence, 'relased' should be 'released'.
4. 'rythim' should be 'rhythm' and 'stroking' should be 'stoking'
in your item description for 'bellows'.  Also, there should be a
comma after 'rhythm'.


skavenwarpmine4.c
1. 'Though' should be 'Although'.
2. 'is left' should be 'remains'.
3. You need item descriptions for: mine, floor, wall(s), ceiling


skavenwarppit1.c
1. The first sentence of the description is not grammatically correct.
'other things' refers back to 'banish', so that the first sentence
really reads 'This is where the skaven banish the badly mutated' and 
'This is where the skaven banish the other things that make one unfit
for slave labor'.  A better solution might be:
"This is where the skaven banish the badly mutated, or those otherwise
unfit for slave labor."
2. In the last sentence, 'overhead ceiling' is rather redundant.
3. Although technically grammatically correct, your item description
for 'ceiling' would flow better if you deleted 'in it'.
4. You need an item description for: wall
5. In your item description for sludge, "syrup like" should be
"syrup-like".


skavenwarppit2.c
1. 'barrells' should be 'barrels'.
2. There should be a comma after 'clean'.
3. 'depository of' should be 'depository for'.


skavenwarppit3.c
1. There should be a comma in the third sentence after 'Here'.
2. There should be a comma in the last sentence after 'passage'.
3. In your item description for 'sludge', you have an incorrect
word usage.  'Detritus' means 'loose material (as in rock fragments
or organic particles) that result directly from disintegration,
destruction, or wearing away.  It does not mean a toxic material.
If you meant that detritus makes up part of the sludge, and toxic
materials make up another part of the sludge, then you should 
delete 'other' from the sentence.
4. In your 'smell' description, there should be a comma after 'foul',
and 'stomach churning' should be 'stomach-churning'.
5. You need item descriptions for: passage, ceiling, wall(s)
6. In your 'hole' description, there should be a comma after 'large'. 
Again, 'It's large' doesn't really add anything to the main description.


skavenwarppit4.c
1. There should be a comma after 'collects here'.  
2. 'The ooze has collected here' does not describe 'ooze'.
3. You need item descriptions for: ceiling, wall(s), floor



skavenwarrens.c, skavenwarrensN.c, skavenwarrensNE.c, skavenwarrensSE.c,
skavenwarrensNW.c, skavenwarrensSW.c
1. There should be a comma after "vast".
2. In the second sentence, 'well lit' should be 'well-lit', and there 
should be commas after 'here' and 'wall.
3. You need item descriptions for: torch, wall(s), bed, floor, sconce
4. Although you have an item description for 'torches', it's pretty
trite.  The item descriptions should generally add detail to the item,
not just be used as a filler.  'They are lit to provide light' does 
not add anything to this description.  Another suggestion might be:
"The torches sputter sporadically, casting odd shadows across the walls",
or something similar that gives the reader more specific information
about the item.
5. 'mattressess' should be 'mattresses' in your item description for 'beds'.
6. Note: These descriptions are exactly identical.  You should
really try to vary the descriptions from room to room.  A few identical 
descriptions used for effect are acceptable, but this is an entire section
of your area with completely identical descriptions, which makes it rather
visually boring.


skavenwarrensS.c, skavenwarrensW.c
1. In the second sentence, 'well lit' should be 'well-lit', and there 
should be commas after 'here' and 'wall.
2. You need item descriptions for: torch, wall(s), bed, floor, sconce
3. Although you have an item description for 'torches', it's pretty
trite.  The item descriptions should generally add detail to the item,
not just be used as a filler.  'They are lit to provide light' does 
not add anything to this description.  Another suggestion might be:
"The torches sputter sporadically, casting odd shadows across the walls",
or something similar that gives the reader more specific information
about the item.
4. 'mattressess' should be 'mattresses' in your item description for 'beds'.
5. Note: These two descriptions are exactly identical, and are identical
to skavenwarrens.c, skavenwarrensN.c, etc., except for one word.  You should
really try to vary the descriptions from room to room.



ss1.c
1. 'names' should be 'named'.
2. Your second sentence is a sentence fragment that is lacking a predicate.
Also, 'A unkempt' should be 'An unkempt'.
3. There should be a comma after 'council area'.


ss2.c
1. What does 'them' refer to in the second sentence?  I would delete
'of them'.  Also, there is a plural error in that sentence (The enclosed
spaces . . . gives one a sense....)  'gives' should be 'give'.
2. There should be a comma after 'To the east and west'.
3. Your item description for 'junk' adds nothing to the original 
description.  Also, 'Alot' should be 'a lot'.
4. You need item descriptions for: slums, spaces


ss3.c
1. There should be commas after 'here', 'Still', and 'above'.
2. 'ones senses' should be 'the senses'.
3. 'driving out the breath' is not grammatically correct.  A better
alternative might be "leaving one breathless," or "driving the breath
out of one's lungs."
4. You need a description for 'smell' to make it consistent with the
main room description.
5. You need item descriptions for: slums, floor


ss4.c
1. Delete 'any of' from the first sentence.
2. There should be a comma after 'dumped here'.
3. 'dumped here leaving only a small pathway through here..." is 
redundant.  Perhaps 'leaving only a small pathway through the rubble'
or 'through the refuse' would be better.
4. Your item descriptions for 'trash', 'junk', and 'refuse' add
absolutely nothing to the main description.
5. You need item descriptions for: alley


ss5.c
1. The first sentence of your description does not really make sense.  
Perhaps a more clear way to write this would be: "The feeling of
hopelessness lifts slightly in this section of the slums, giving way
to something intangible that sends a chill down one's spine."  
Also, "ones" should be "one's".
2. 'tangable' should be 'tangible'.
3. There should be a comma after 'thing'.
4. A more concise way to write the second sentence would be:
"The shadows here appear almost tangible, and even move slightly
of their own accord."
5. There should be a comma after 'north'.
6. There is a typo in the last sentence, and I'm not sure what the
word was supposed to have been -- you need to look at this.
7. 'eye' should be 'eyes' in your item description for 'shadows'.
8. You need an item description for 'slums'.


ss6.c
1. 'are' should be 'area'.
2. The first sentence is a run-on sentence, and it should be broken after
'Peak'.  You will then need a comma after 'here'.  Better yet, delete
'here' altogether.
3. 'stalagtites' should be 'stalactites'.  Also, 'ceiling' should precede
'floor', as stalactites corresponds to ceiling.
4. There should be commas after 'Normally' and 'merchants'.
5. 'recient' should be 'recent'.
6. Your descriptions for 'stalactites' and 'stalgmites' need to be
reversed, and filled out a bit.  "They stick up from the ground"
adds nothing to the main description.


ss7.c
1. 'is' should be 'in'.
2. 'indication of exits' is not really a correct use for 'indication.  
A better choice would be "Darker regions to the north and south create
the vague suggestion of exits to other parts of the slums."
3. You need item descriptions for: shadows, exits


ss8.c
1. The commas after 'clutter' and 'slums' should be removed, and there
should be a comma after 'present here'.
2. '...leaving this area a somewhat clean appearance' is not 
grammatically correct.  Did you mean to say, "with a somewhat...."?
3. You need an item description for: shadows

ss9.c
1. 'The slums end here at a dead end' is redundant.  
2. 'well over anyones head' is awkward, and you're missing a possessive
on 'anyones'.  A better choice might be to delete 'well over 
anyone's head' altogether, as walls that tower 'into the dark expanse
above' likely do tower over anyone's head.
3. You need item descriptions for: slums, wall(s)

ss10.c
1. There should be a comma after 'time'.
2. "throw things away into" is not grammatically correct.
3. Pits don't 'lay here'.  I would change my word choice on this description.
4. You need item descriptions for: pathway, dump

ss11.c
1. The second sentence is a sentence fragment.  You can either delete
'Though', or you can attach it to the first sentence, separated by
a comma.
2. 'noticable' should be 'noticeable'.
3. 'ssmall' should be 'small' in your item description for 'holes'.
4. You need item descriptions for: wall(s)

ss12.c
1. If 'The Commons' is a name for a sub-area (which I think it is), then
'begin' should be 'begins'.
2. 'well kept' should be 'well-kept'.


ss13.c
1. "Great massive" is redundant.  I would delete 'great'.  Also, what do
you mean by 'lay open all around'?
2. Another redundancy: 'It is here that.....holdings here in..."  
3. The semicolon in your item description for 'gates' should be a colon.


ss14.c
1. I would replace 'and the hairs' with 'causing the hairs' in the first
sentence.
2. There should be a comma after 'air' in the second sentence, and 
"it's" should be "its".
3. The third sentence is not grammatically correct ('To the west leads
back.....' and 'to the east leads....')  A better alternative would be 
"To the west is a path leading back....." and "to the east, the path
leads...."  You'll then need an item description for 'path'.

ss15.c
1. 'near suffocating' should be 'near-suffocating'.
2. The fourth sentence is not grammatically correct ('Off to the west leads
back.....')  A better alternative would be "Off to the west is a path 
leading back....."
3. You should set a smell, given the description of the previous room.
4. You need item descriptions for: holding

ss16.c
1. The second sentence is a run-on sentence.  I would split it by
deleting the first "as", and using "Diseased" as the beginning of
the next sentence.
2. There should be a comma after 'decay' in the item description for
'corpses'.
3. You need item descriptions for: corpse, air, flies
4. The description for the item "fumes" does not make sense -- what
is 'massed'?  Did you mean 'masses of'?  There should also be a comma
after 'diseased'.

ss17.c
1. There should be a comma after 'outward'.
2. You need item descriptions for: corpse, dead


ss18.c
1. 'ruling council' should be 'the ruling council'.
2. You need item descriptions for: seat(s)

ss19.c
1. The second sentence is a run-on sentence.  There should be commas
after 'that' and 'time.  The natural break between sentences is after
'kept'.  Begin the next sentence with, "Now, ....", and you need to
add a predicate (this is a sentence fragment, even when coupled with
the prior sentence).  Or, better yet, try this:
"Moss covered flagstones give the faded illusion that, although at one
time this area may have been well maintained and kept, it is now
nothing more than a rotting ruin."
2. The third sentence makes no sense.  What to the 'paws of the skaven'
have to do with things of real value being stripped clean?
3. There should be commas after 'north' and 'above, and the comma after 'Rat'
should be deleted.
4. 'IT' should be 'It' in your item description for 'flagstones'.


ss20.c
1. 'near' should be 'nearly'.
2. 'out of place in this evil place' is redundant.




ratbar.c
1. There should be a comma after 'small'.
2. 'supported with' should be 'supported by'.
3. You need item descriptions for: posts, table, stool
4. Insert 'are' before 'in poor condition' in your item description 
for 'stools'.
5. Delete 'a' before 'holes' in your item description for 'door'.


skaveneshindojo.c
1. Delete the comma after Eshin.
2. Insert a comma after 'walls'.
3. Your third sentence is a bit awkward.  Perhaps: "...seem to muffle
any sound made by treading upon them."

skaveneshintrainrm.c
1. "it's" should be 'its'.
2. The second sentence is a run-on sentence.  You could fix this problem
by changing 'every one has vital....' to 'each one's vital spots..."
3. The third sentence is a sentence fragment that is missing its predicate
(you could fix this by changing 'showing' to 'shows'), and needs 
puncutation at its end.
4. 'sstraw' should be 'straw' on your item description for 'dummies'.
5. You need item descriptions for: dummy, splatter
6. Your item description for 'wall' is not grammatically correct.
Did you mean: "A simple, yet sturdy, wall built of wood, with supports."
7. 'oen' should be 'one' in your item description for 'blood'.  Also,
this description is not grammatically correct.  It should read:
"At one time, this dried stain obviously came from a living thing."


skaveneshinarena.c
1. The second sentence is a run-on sentence, and the sentence break
should be between 'center' and 'though' (which will become 'Although').
2. There should be commas after 'simple', 'effective', and 'deep'.
3. 'chisled' should be 'chiseled'.
4. The description for 'stone' is a sentence fragment that does not
really make much sense.
5. The description for item 'pit' is, again, a sentence fragment that
does not make much sense.  Your description suggests that when you
look at the pit, you see the pit encircling a pit.
Also, 'encircleing' should be 'encircling'.
6. The description for item 'doorway' is another vague sentence fragment.
Although you do not need to use full, grammatically correct sentences
for each item description, each one should make sense if you think
of the words 'The <item> is' before you read it.  This is not happening
when I read your item descriptions in this part of your area.
7. When I tried to 'enter', the next room did not load.  
(See skaveneshinmasterrm.c)


skaveneshinmasterrm.c
1. This room does not load.  The problem is in line 21, where you
have a period in the place of a comma after "desk".
2. 'chambers' should be 'chamber', or 'This is' should be 'These are'.
3. The second sentence of the description is a sentence fragment which
is missing a predicate.
4. You need an item description for: floor


skavengreysaltarrm.c
1. There should be a comma after 'flame'.  What is 'a light dulling flame'?
2. 'descern' should be 'discern'.
3. 'adn' should be 'and' in your item description for 'candles', and
there should be a comma after 'misshapen'.


skavengreyschamber.c
1. 'Though' should be 'Although'.
2. There should be commas after 'living','skaven', and place.
3. 'lays' should be 'lies'.
4. 'labratory' should be 'laboratory' in both the main description and
in the item description for 'exits'.
5. You need item descriptions for: straw
6. 'bashed' should be 'bathed' in your item description for 'corner'.


skavengreyslibrary.c
1. The last sentence is not grammatically correct.  '...a sinister
movement' should be 'sinister movements'.
2. In the other rooms, you refer the area as "Fester Peak".  Here, you
refer to it as "Festerpeak".
3. Item description for 'bookshelves': Capitalize 'large', and insert
a comma after 'imposing'.
4. Insert a comma after 'Misshapen' in your item description for 
'candles'.
5. Insert a comma after 'candlelight' in your item description
for 'shadows'.


skavengreyslab.c
1. 'labratory' should be 'laboratory'.
2. 'against' should be capitalized.
3. You need item descriptions for: laboratory, walls
4. 'rectaungular' should be 'rectangular' in your item description
for 'table'.


skavenhallway1.c
1. The third sentence is a sentence fragment.


skavenhallway2.c
1. Insert a comma after 'oppulent'.  'holdings' does not match 'it' in
the first sentence.
2. Insert a comma after 'here'.
3. Insert a comma after 'stolen' in the item description for 'banners', 
after 'depicted' in the item description for 'paintings (and delete
the 'a' between just and stained), and after 'shredded' in the
description for 'tapestries'.
4. You need an item description for 'rugs' and 'floor'.


skavenhallway3.c
1. Insert a comma after 'time', and another after 'Ahead'.
2. Insert 'made' between 'were' and 'of'.
3. The second sentence is not grammatically correct, and doesn't make a lot
of sense.  Did you mean:
"At one time, these steps were of smoothed marble.  Now, they are just
cracked and splintered stone, crudely placed for ease of ascending or 
descending."
4. Correct the capital typos in the 'stairway' and 'stone' descriptions.
5. You need item descriptions for: steps, stairs, and temple.

skavenhallway4.c
1. 'is' does not match 'gates' in the first sentence.
2. Delete 'other' from the second sentence.
3. " its' " should be " its " in the last sentence.
4. 'slicker' should be 'flicker'.
5. You need item descriptions for: temple


skavenlordchamber.c
1. 'then' should be 'than'.
2. The last sentence is a sentence fragment, lacking a predicate.


skavenlordwarren.c
1. The second sentence should read, "He spends most of the off hours here."
2. You use "off to the side" too many times in a short space - it's 
redundant.
3. 'msot' should be 'most' in the description for 'table'.
4. skavenlordharem.c wouldn't load when I tried to 'enter'.

skavenlordharem.c
1. The first sentence is a sentence fragment.  
2. Insert a comma after 'Normally'.
3. 'obivous' should be 'obvious'.
4. The last sentence does not make sense.  Did you mean:
"Various rusted chains hang from the wall, obviously the way one
would keep the larders from running off."
5. You need item descriptions for: chain, 




NOTE:  None of the skavenpesitilen rooms are loading correctly for
some reason.  I can get them to load one by one, but cannot walk
between them.


skavenpesitilenfoyer.c
1. You probably shouldn't begin the last sentence with 'And'.
2. 'puss' should be 'pus' (both in the description and in the item
description for 'walls').
3. You need an item description for 'floor' and 'ceiling, and the item 
description for 'floors' needs to be modified to match the plural.
4. 'thickly' is not a word.  (It is in the item description for 'mucus'.)
5. 'ammount' should be 'amount' in your item description for 'maggots'.
Actually....'amount' isn't even the right word.  'number' would be 
more appropriate.
6. 'unfortuniate' should be 'unfortunate' and 'adn' should be 'and'
in your item description for 'flesh'.  Also, insert a comma after 'poor'.
Additionally....a 'bone' is not technically 'flesh', nor would a bone
 resemble 'grotesque tapestries' if hung from the ceiling.
Oh, and 'hug' should be 'hung'.


skavenpesitilenaltar.c
1. Either change 'This is' to 'These are', or change 'chambers' to 'chamber',
and modify the second sentence accordingly.
2. Your dest_dir for south refers to skavenpesitilenShall.c (there's an S
in there that is not in the filename, so it won't load the correct room).


skavenpesitilenhall.c
1. 'is a decorative' should be 'in a decorative'.
2. 'putreify' should be 'putrefy'.
3. 'here' should be deleted from the last sentence, and there should be
a comma after 'about'.
4. Insert a comma after 'around' in the item description for 'flies'.
5. 'Definately' should be 'definitely' in the item description
for 'maggots'.


skavenpesitilenrectory.c
1. Insert a comma after 'room'.
2. 'lasily' should be 'lazily'.
3. 'by product' should be 'by-product'.
4. You should change the description for 'smell'.



============================

I still need to review:

skavenskyrelab1, 2, 3, 4
skavenskyrelair

ALL mobs and items.


warprat.c
1. In the second sentence of the description, "It's" should be "its".
2. In the third  sentence of the description, you need a comma after
'lean', 'it's' should be 'its', and 'a average' should be 'an average'.
3. In the first chat, 'it's' should be 'its'.
4. In the third chat, there is a typo in 'unidentifiable'.











