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                         Things NOT to Do While Building
                        (a guide to writing descriptions)
    The following was orignally authored by Seth Mayne of Forgotten Empires of
                                      Valor
            and has been adapted for the Raven's Crest building team.


   Consider the following description:

       You enter an outdoor circus and are standing
       in a room next to an old wagon that the clowns
       change in. It is to your east. All of a
       sudden, a clown gets out of the wagon and looks
       at you and starts laughing. All the other clowns
       come out of the wagon and laugh at you too.
       These clowns are really bad and creepy. It's
       dark out. You can go west from here. You can
       go east from here. You are afraid of these
       clowns so you leave.


   How many glaring errors can you find?
   Let's start with the beginning: 

    1. You enter - What if the player has been in the room for a while, and
       decides to look again? What if they're in the room to the west, and
       use "spy"? 

    2. an outdoor circus - describe it! describe it! 

    3. and are standing - what if they're sitting down, and look at the room
       to refresh their memory of where they are? 

    4. in a room - only use the word "room" if it's an actual room. Not
       outdoors. They're rooms to us, but NOT to the players. 

    5. next to an old wagon - why not say "there is a wagon to your east, its
       paint peeling and cracking" or somesuch? A "room" can be very large,
       there's no guarantee that they'll be 

    6. next to the wagon. And who knows if it's truly old? 

    7. that the clowns change in - how does the player know? 

    8. It is to your east - can be put in a better place, see "next to an old
       wagon" above 

    9. All of a sudden - again, repeated looking. Keep it in mind... 

   10. a clown gets out of the wagon - no mob, no clown. Have a mob with a
       script. Have it get out of the wagon. 

   11. and looks at you - what about invisible players? What about spying,
       wizeye-ing players? 
   12. and - too many "and"s in one sentence 

   13. starts laughing - why? And moreover, why not have it done with a
       script? 

   14. All the other clowns - how many? And why aren't they mobs? 

   15. come out of the wagon and laugh at you too - scripting, scripting. A
       properly applied script does a world of good. 

   16. It's dark out - What if it's daytime? And remember, the player is
       already "out"... (btw, use "outside") 

   17. These clowns are really bad and creepy - to whom? Some players might
       actually like clowns. Some might think clowns are good, and funny,
       rather than bad and creepy. And besides, use better words... In fact,
       don't describe mobiles in room descriptions at all. Use effective
       words in the mob's long and extended descriptions, and let the player
       come to his or her own conclusions. 

   18. You can go west from here - Really? To where? Tell the player what
       they see in that direction. 

   19. You can go east from here - Not only is this sentence enough like the
       previous one that the two could just as easily be combined into one
       with no loss, it also has the same faults. Funny how that works. 

   20. You are afraid of these clowns so you leave - Really? What if the
       player is a level 50 with 3 multiclasses? Don't powerplay ANYTHING on
       them, unless you're ready to back it up with scripting.

   Now notice: 


      *How many times was the word "you" used? Use it as little as possible. 

      *How many times was "and" used? Gets redundant after a while, doesn't
       it? 

      *All descriptions should make equal sense from whatever direction the
       player comes from. 

      *Also, remember, the player doesn't have to be in the room to see it,
       and they'll possibly look several times. Think about that repeatedly. 

      *The description should consist of what's in the room, and what can be
       seen there. It should be generic enough to fit in at any time of the
       day. 
       Use extended descriptions frequently. Use them for everything, unless
      *
       it's going to interfere with looking at other things. As in, if
       there's a sword in the room, and a tapestry on the wall of a guy with
       a sword, DON'T make a description for the sword in the tapestry.

                            Things to Do When Building


   Sample description #1


       The Gates of Trafalgar
       The gates to the south protect this beautiful spire,
       and the entrance to the spire itself is to the north.
       A huge lance of pure white marble spears the sky with
       its spacious splendor.
       Reaching high in the heavens, the spire itself holds
       many secrets. Built by the "ancients", the tower's
       history hold the dark secrets of its role as a
       dimensional or spatial portal.

   Hmm... Not too shabby. It has a few problems, but nothing major. All in
   all, a very good room description. 


   Things of note:

      *The word "you" isn't in there once. The word shouldn't be avoided like
       the plague, but it ought not to be used near as frequently as it
       sometimes is. A MUD isn't a Choose Your Own Adventure book. 

      *It's brief, to the point, and mentions relevant things. There are no
       wasted words. 

      *It works excellently in nighttime and daytime. 

      *Sitting in the next room, I could spy there, and it would still make
       perfect sense. 

      *Coming from any direction, it would make equal sense. 

      *Descriptions of what's in the various directions are written smoothly
       into the rest of the text. 

      *Though the description does assume some knowledge on the part of the
       character, it doesn't powerplay any emotions or actions onto them. 

      *Various writing techniques are used to make the description less
       boring. 

       Techniques:


          *Metaphor: The spire is called a "lance." This technique both
           avoids overusing the word "spire" and adds to the visual
           description of the spire. 

          *Hyperbole (Exaggeration): The spire spears the sky. 

          *Poetic Alliteration (Words begin with the same letter): "spears
           the sky with its spacious splendor" is a truly magnificent phrase.

          *Poetic Alliteration (Words begin with the same letter): "high in
           the heavens" is also an alliteration.
       Overall, the techniques above add an exciting poetic flavor to the
      *
       description. Note that the description is not overly poetic and is
       still very informative.

   Sample description #2


       A Forest of Fir Trees
       Luckily, the dense forest surrounding you is not quite as tightly
       packed as prickers and nettles. While the occasional spruce whapped
       in
       the eyeball is annoying, it is not as bad as wading through thorny
       vines.
       The spruce and pine trees both give off their distinctive scents,
       while
       the evergreen competes with them by standing some 60 feet high. The
       youngest trees and bushes hide underneath the taller trees providing
       a haven for small forest vermin and as you know making the travel
       more
       time consuming.

   This is also a good room description, but it has one minor problem. 


   Things of note:

      *The word "you" is in there twice. This creates a small problem.
       Imagine a thief in a nearby room who spies into this room. The
       description implies the thief is surrounded, but he has not yet
       entered the room. Overall, however, the description does not powerplay
       the emotions or actions of the player. 

      *It's brief, to the point, and one can picture the scene being
       conveyed. There are no wasted words. 

      *It works excellently in nighttime and daytime. 

      *Coming from any direction, it would make equal sense. 

      *Various writing techniques are used to make the description less
       boring. 

       Techniques:


          *Personification: The evergreen tree competes with the others. 

          *Action: Spruce whapping in the eyeball, but not at any distinct
           point in time. If the "eyeball whapping" did occur upon the room
           entrance, note that this would break several of the description
           rules. 

          *Action: Wading through thorny vines. 

          *Action: Spruce and pine give off distinctive scents. This item is
           also good, because it uses other senses besides the common one:
           that of sight. 
           Personification and Action: The youngest trees and bushes hide
          *
           underneath the taller trees. Note that these bushes also provide a
           safe place for small forest animals. Stating that a particular
           animal is hiding there would be inappropriate, but stating that
           animals CAN be there is fine. 
       Overall, the techniques above allow the normally stationary objects to
      *commit action, conveying a sense that the room is alive with motion.
       Other literary devices, which are not used here, and that can add to a
       room's flavor are metaphors , similes , and hyperboles .


   Take note, and learn ;)
