                                   - CATS -
                             An Original Story by
                                  J. Verhagen

                                    Prologue

          For a while after I  graduated,  I  used  to  live  with  my
          parents  in a nice little white brick suburban home situated
          on a secluded crescent. There were a lot  of  nice  families
          there,  with little kids, smiling housewives, not to mention
          a 13 year old girl who used to expose her lithe body  to  my
          inspection.  It  was truly a pleasant place to live - except
          for one thing.  This neighborhood was *full* of cats. That's
          right - CATS. Every where you looked there were cats. I mean
          one cat would be okay, but picture ten of the mangy  fuckers
          sneaking  through your yard, leaving dead birds all over the
          place, shitting in your brother's sandbox,  and  *worst*  of
          all - caterwauling and hissing *all* fucking night.

          One night, I was a almost asleep when I was awakened  by  an
          almost human sounding scream. I got up and cautiously turned
          on the back light. Two  of the  little  shits  were  in  the
          backyard, making some noisy passes at eachother as a prelude
          to a feline fuck. They didn't even back up when I approached
          them  with  a  broom.  A few solid whacks changed their mind
          however - but I wound up missing the noisy one. shit. I went
          back  to  my  room, exhausted and tired. I knew that none of
          the things were spayed and in a year or two there  would  be
          much  *more*. I didn't like finding dead birds in my wonder-
          ful garden, or accidentally treading on cat-shit, but I felt
          consigned  to my dismal fate - to have my property messed up
          and used as a fucking ground for horny felines.

          After laying down I heard the noise begin again  (apparently
          coming  from the same part of my yard) and felt like crying.
          But I didn't cry. An idea came to me in that  moment  and  I
          felt  like praying for thanks, because it was such a wonder-
          ful idea. In fact it was a *revelation*.  Certainly,  I  had
          discovered  the  solution to my problem. A wide grin crossed
          my face as I lay down to rest - even though the  noise  con-
          tinued louder than ever in the background.

                                  Preparations

          I was standing by the patio window when a cat went  by.  The
          thing  looked  at me for a moment then progressed on - after
          streaming the window with piss. "Fuck you too", I thought. I
          went  out into the yard with a shovel and a bucket and began
          collecting the things that the little bastards leave behind.
          Dead mice, dead birds, shit, you name it. If I found it - it
          went into the bucket. After awhile, and after a visit  to  a
          local park, I had a bucket that was *filled* to the top with
          the stuff. It was great.  I next proceeded  to  dig  a  deep
          hole  in  the  garden  that was about a foot wide and around
          four feet deep and tossed the stuff in. I  made  up  a  nice
          wood  cover for the thing, with fiberglass insulation nailed
          to the side that goes face down (as I figured that it  would
          make great soundproofing).

                              Collecting the cats

          I decided to leave milk and fish  out  on  the  porch  every
          night and made cute wooing noises whenever one of the things
          appeared. "Here Venus", I wooed  to  the  cat  named  Venus.
          "Here  Venus  -  you  little penis - you little turd, c'mere
          Venus". I said this in the nicest possible voice of  course.
          When  he began sniffing the meat I stroked his fur - pausing
          at the yellow furball's neck. Next thing you know  -  I  had
          him,  carrying  him in my arms to the garden. He was looking
          around hastily, trying to find an appropriate place and time
          to  leap  from  my  arms but I didn't let him go.  No siree!
          Into the hole he went! I nabbed 3 of the cats in one  night.
          I  would  have had four but one got away when I was carrying
          him to the garden.  I guess I was a bit tired from all  that
          activity in one night.

          I caught the rest after about a week, and kept them alive in
          the  hole  by throwing in scraps of fish every so often. The
          noise they made was unbelievable. I had to make up a  better
          cover incorporating multiple layers of an old rug to further
          reenforce the sound-proofing. Apparently,  cats  don't  like
          proximity to other cats. After I had caught all the buggers,
          I fed a pipe in through the cover and took a  long  piss  on
          them. I never knew that vengeance could feel this good.

                             Disposing of the cats

          Now came the fun part. I had to come up with novel  and  in-
          teresting ways to get rid of them. I mean what was the point
          of killing them if you didn't derive some  pleasure  out  of
          it. Why - it would be a waste of cats!  I had to fabricate a
          cage and one of those noose things that the  humane  society
          uses  to  handle  animals at a distance. It was easy to haul
          them out of the hole and contain them when you had these.

                                  Local Roads

          Taped the sucker down to a relatively  quiet  road  near  my
          place  with  duct-tape, and sat in some bushes to watch what
          happens. About 3 cars came by and *missed*  the  thing  com-
          pletely  before I decided to take matters into my own hands.
          The fact that I (again) stepped in cat  shit  while  in  the
          bushes  only  contributed  to my decision. At the end of the
          road I floored the pedal. VROOM! VROOM! I  accellerated  and
          hit the sucker, almost losing control of the car. Aside from
          a satisfying thud, and my almost  getting  killed,  I  found
          this technique of disposal to be rather annoying and decided
          to discontinue it from this point on. I was  going  to  peel
          off  the  duct-tape so that the cat looked like regular road
          kill when I noticed its guts were all  over  the  place  and
          didn't feel like touching it.

                              Cannon/See-saw/Sling

          What a lot of fun!. I experimented with  different  ways  of
          projecting  cats into the air at a nearby construction site.
          I'm sure they enjoyed it too (before they  hit  the  ground)
          There  were  several  techniques I tried. One technique (the
          cannon method) involved placing a bundled cat  into  an  ABS
          pipe  with  a  sufficiently explosive substance and suitable
          fuse installed at the base. The first attempt blew the  bot-
          tom  out of the cannon, and damn near scared the shit out of
          me. The cat didn't come out but remained smoldering  in  the
          barrel.  What  an  awful  smell!.  The next attempt (after I
          fixed the bottom) was better but I didn't  use  enough  gun-
          powder and I packed the cat in too tightly. Parts of the cat
          came out - but not the whole thing. I finally got  it  right
          (after burning my fingers retrieving the remains) and merri-
          ly blasted 3 of the suckers off into the  distance.  It  was
          amazing  - they described long graceful arcs through the air
          with a wonderful MROOOOOOW sound - a  sound  which  abruptly
          terminated as they struck the side of a stationary bulldozer
          at the other end of the field.

          Another technique (circus see-saw), though less  spectacular
          involved  placing a bundled cat on a board laying on a bunch
          of bricks. This was just like what the acrobats  do  in  the
          circus.  You  place  the cat on one side, jump on the other,
          and the little fucker flies. Unfortunately it didn't kill it
          -  so  I resorted to the more fun cannon technique to finish
          it off.

          The last technique (the sling technique) is the  easiest  to
          do. All you need is a towel and sufficient strength to swing
          a cat around and around again, before releasing it into  the
          air.  It  was  so much fun. I was sorry I didn't bring along
          more cats today for these truly significant experiments into
          feline flight.

                               The Railway Track

          We live near a railway track and I  have  often  thought  of
          trying  something  like this. Trains come whizzing by at in-
          credible speeds and the thought of harnessing  these  speeds
          for  a destructive purpose has constantly been on my mind. I
          wanted to use the sling technique again but couldn't get the
          car to bring the cats down to the construction site today. I
          would up doing something better. I put the cats in the cage,
          and  brought  the mewling things down to a secluded spot be-
          side the railway line.

          Woo! Woo! the train whistled - apparently because  something
          was on the track further down the line. Here it came, and it
          was a long one. I couldn't see the end. I waved to  the  en-
          gineer  -  a big smile on my face - and watched him pass be-
          fore I got the first cat. I noticed a bunch of cars  stocked
          with  automobiles  go  by.  "This  is  perfect!", I thought,
          slinging the cat around and around  in  a  tight  circle.  I
          released  it.  MRROOOOOOW!  it  screamed  as  it described a
          graceful arc through the air finally hitting *SMASH*  -  the
          windshield  of  a brand new pickup truck. I tried again with
          the last cat but it wound up encountering the  fender  of  a
          volvo.

                                    Epilogue

          I packed my things and went home. I briefly  wondered  about
          the  bizarre  reactions  that  people  would have to the cat
          remains I left all over the city. They would probably  think
          it  was  the work of some satanic cult. Or maybe they sit in
          awe and admire the ingenuity of the person who came up  with
          these  unique  disposal  techniques. For the most part I was
          too tired to care. I knew society was a better place because
          of  my  actions, and -more importantly- that *my* life in my
          nice little suburban house on that secluded  crescent  would
          be a better one as well.

