----------------------------------------------------------------------------ID: One Step Beyond:911240233
Groups: ponder
Author: Juergen [Wiz]				16-Nov-1998 19:17:13

 -- ATC blues --
ATC blues
Ulrich Effertz (81:300/211.8)
  "Recently on Air Traffic Control"

Pilot: "Bratislava Tower, this is Oscar Oscar Kilo estabished ILS 16."
Tower: "Oscar Oscar Kilo, Guten Tag, cleared to land 16, wind calm -
        and by the way: this is Wien Tower."
Pilot: (after thinking for a while) "Bratsilava Tower, Oscar Oscar Kilo
       passed the outer marker."
Tower: "Oscar Oscar Kilo roger, and once more: you are approaching Vienna!"
Pilot: (after another pause) "Confirm, this is NOT Bratislava?"
Tower: "You can believe me, this is Vienna!
Pilot: (Even another pause) "But why? We want to go to Bratislava,
        not to Vienna!"
Tower: "Oscar Oscar Kilo, roger. Discontinue approach, turn left 030 and
       climb to 5000 feet, vectors to Bratislava."

---

Tower: "Delta Delta Whiskey, roll on tarmac two zero nine Charlie and
       Mike to the GAT.
Pilot: "Uh...tarmac two...?"
Tower: "That's the small one to the right, you just missed it."
Pilot: "Sorry."
Tower: "Don't worry, take Mike."
Pilot: "Uh, ...Mike?"
Tower: "That's the last one to the right..."

---

Pilot: "Condor 471, don't you have a Follow-me here?"
Tower: "Negative, try to get to gate 10 on your own."

---

Pilot: "...Tower, please call me a fuel truck."
Tower: "Roger. You are a fuel truck."

---

Controller: "Phantom formation crossing control zone without clearance, state
            your callsign!"
Pilot:      "I'm not silly..."

---

Controller (in Stuttgart): "Lufthansa 5680, reduce to 170 knots."
Pilot: "Hey, that's just like in Frankfurt. They only have 210 und 170 knots
        there too. But luckily we're flexible."
Controller: "We are too. Reduce to 173 knots."

---

Controller: "RFG 312, fly directly to Olno VOR.
             Do you need a radar vector?"
Pilot:      "No, we can do without, we can already receive the VOR.
            It's exactly in the direction of the moon."
Controller: "Yeah, but we don't have that one on the radar screen."

---

Pilot:  "Ground, XY-line 195, requesting start-up."
Ground: "Sorry, XY-line 195, we don't have your flight plan.
         What is your destination?"
Pilot:  "As every monday, to Leipzig."
Ground: "But... today we have Tuesday!"
Pilot:  "WHAT? But Tuesday is our free day!"

---

Controller: "Hawk 20, is this the same aircraft declaring emergency
             about two hours ago?"
Pilot:      "Negative, Sir. It's only the same pilot."

---

Pilot: "Tower, there's a runway light burning."
Controller: "I hope there are burning several of them."
Pilot: "Sorry, I mean, it produces SMOKE."

---

Controller: "Delta Zulu Romeo, turn right now and report your heading."
Pilot:      "Wilco. 341, 342, 343, 344, 345..."

---

Tower: "Lufthansa 893, number one, checkcar on the runway."
Pilot: "Roger we'll check the car on the runway."

---

Controller: "Delta Romeo Zulu, confirm you are inbound to Sulz NDB?"
Pilot:      "Affirm, but we don't receive it."

---

Controller: "Delta Oscar Mike, squawk 0476."
Pilot:      "Say again."
Controller: "Squawk 0476."
Pilot:      "Four, zero...? "
Controller: "Do you want an easier one?"

---

Controller: "Delta Bravo Charlie, is your squawk really
             seven zero four six?"
Pilot:      "Positive."
Controller: "I can't believe it, you have an indicated altitude of
             minus ninety feet."

---

Controller: "Hotel Papa Oscar, climb four thousand to six thousand
             and maintain."
Pilot:      "Hotel Papa Oscar, climbing flight level 100."
Controller: "Hotel Papa Oscar, climb to flight level 60 and maintain."
Pilot:      "But four plus six makes ten, right?"
Controller: "You are supposed to climb, not add."

---

Controller: "DE..., continue with approach to the 26, landing no. 2
             after a DC 9 in final approach."
Pilot:      "Roger, continuing approach to the 29 and following the DC 6."
Controller: "That's not quite right: The runway was 26 and your traffic
             a DC 9."
Pilot:      "Okay, I follow the DC 26... What was the runway?"

---

Helicopter trainer (to his student):
"Take care to stay inside the tarmac."
After a few minutes:
"Oh hell, just stay inside the country at least!"

---

In memoriam Munich-Riem, where a TB10 was landing on the 25R and a 737
on the 25L at the same time.

737 pilot: "Was that a formation landing right now?"
Tower:     "Nah. Formation flight is only if you land on the same runway.
            But it looked cool anyway. By the way: The runways are two kms
            apart, so nothing bad can happen."
737 pilot, rolling on the taxiway: "Isn't this strange? I thought the
            runways are just 200 m apart?"
Tower:      "Of course! Someone from around here would have noticed this
            long before."

---

Pilot:      "Frankfurt Information, this is Delta Bravo Zulu. We are
             now over <some local place> in flight plain 95."
Controller: "But I told you to call Munich Information!"
Pilot:      "Yes, I know, but I like your program better."

---

Controller: "Flamingo 019, do you have a "Springbock" in sight, twelve
             o'clock five miles crossing from left to right?"
Pilot:      "If you mean a 737...?"
Controller: "Yeah, you got it, you got it!"

---

Tower: "Delta Fox Alpha, hold position, Marshall will park you."
Pilot: "Roger. Looking out for John Wayne."

---

Muenchen II

Tower:           "LH 8610 cleared for take-off."
Pilot (LH 8610): "But we haven't landed at all."
Tower:           "Uh... who's standing on the 26 south then?"
Pilot (LH 8801): "LH 8801."
Tower:           "Oh well, then you are cleared for take-off."

---

Tower: "Delta Mike Zulu, after landing cleared to taxi Alpha 7,
        Alpha 5, Whiskey 2, Delta 1 and Oscar 2."
Pilot: "Where is that, we're not familiar with the area yet?"
Tower: "Don't worry. I've been here for two days now too."

---

Flight student: "Lichtenfels Info, DEITN, in right cross approach
                 to runway 22, to reaccelerate and touch-down."
Turm:         "DEITN, please do me a big favor: first touch down,
               then reaccelerate!"
